I have some confessing to do. While I usually confess in the privacy of silent prayers, I feel the need to be held accountable to anyone who reads this, especially my husband and God. I am a selfish person. I've been selfish for a long time, but it has finally caught up with me and I feel like it slapped me across the face today. I have just made several great accomplishments in my life. I officially graduate college next Friday, and I've landed my first job in the career world. I feel alive with success, and I'm very proud of myself. But it doesn't stop there. I have felt the thrill of success and personal accomplishment, and it has blinded me to what is most important in my life: my relationships. A diploma is great, but at the end of the day, it is still a piece of paper. While I have zeroed in on the things I want out of life, I have lost focus of my real purpose. I am not listening to God for direction. I have found a power trip on my own success in choices and I've forgotten to be obedient. For that I am so sorry.
I've also gotten away from my relationship with my husband. I've always said I wouldn't be the partner in a relationship that meekly follows behind the other. I have always wanted to walk side-by-side with my spouse. Yet, I have drug my husband through all of my desires, caring nothing for his own. I do not want to do things his way. I'd like to say I'm not being the submissive wife, but it goes deeper than that. I wanted to rule the house. I'm not an extreme feminist or a prudent housewife. I'm just me. I have come to realize that I don't want to lead or follow. I want to journey through my life with my husband, holding hands.
That goes for my relationship with God as well. I don't want to store him in my purse until I need him. To be truthful, I need him every day.
My world is changing, because I've made a decision tonight. I don't want control of my life, because I feel like I'm missing all of the important things. By giving my life to God and being obedient to his will, I know I'll never miss the important things. I also know he can deepen the enjoyment and love in a marriage better than anyone.
I can't help but think about how twelve men dropped their entire lives to follow Jesus. I know you can say that Jesus stood right there in front of them and called them to do so, but isn't Jesus standing in front of you now? Can you honestly say you don't feel him tugging at your heart? That is him asking you to take his hand. He wants to walk with you every day. Reach out to him.
Lord, forgive me for focusing myself on me and not the things that are important in life. Help me stick to my decision to refocus my life and show obedience and submission in the areas of my life that need it. I love you, and thank you for loving me even when I'm unlovable. Amen.
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